Co-regulation: helping your child manage big emotions

Big emotions are part of growing up. For most children those feelings can feel overwhelming. Learning to manage thoughts, emotions and behaviours is an important developmental milestone, but it doesn’t happen automatically.  

Research in child development shows that the parts of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control and flexible thinking continue developing throughout childhood and adolescence. Before children can regulate themselves, they need someone to regulate with them.  

What is co-regulation in parenting?  

Co-regulation is when a trusted adult supports a young child to manage their emotions, behaviours, sensory input and stress within a safe, validating and non-judgemental environment.  

It provides an essential first step toward learning to self-regulate which is fundamental to developing their ability to manage emotions and responses.  

Unlike traditional approaches that aim to enforce calm or compliance, this method focuses on ‘bringing the calm’ to a situation. It’s about recognising that the child requires support to regulate their nervous system and manage their emotions in the moment. 

This occurs when the child’s nervous system adjusts to sync with a calm adult. It’s only once the body adjusts or regulates that reflective discussions and learning can take place effectively.  

Understanding dysregulation 

Regardless of age, when children are dysregulated or experiencing big emotions, they can’t effectively access their capacity to self-regulate. Tasks such as following instructions, listening, reasoning and problem solving can feel out of reach.  

Children and young people who are in a state of dysregulation still don’t have enough brain development to understand logic, see different perspectives and cope with growing pressures or demands.  This is when co-regulation is always needed.   

Many children may need co-regulation for a longer duration of time. Parents or carers must be mindful not to set expectations that co-regulation will no longer be needed past a certain age.   

Instead, support them to become aware of their triggers and recognise the signs of dysregulation, while identifying what helps and what doesn’t. 

How to help a child regulate their emotions

Co-regulation techniques can be simple, but first, the parent or caregiver may need to pause and manage their own emotions.  

Some co-regulation strategies can include:  

• reducing demands and pressures in the moment 

• sitting close or quietly beside them 

• speaking softly 

• offering a hug (if wanted) 

• naming the feelings, acknowledging even the tricky ones, e.g. “I can see you’re frustrated.” 

• guiding them through a calming strategy they have previously learned during a quiet or reflective period  

 

Other strategies may include physical touch like rocking/squeezy cuddles or cold compress, making basic needs checks (e.g. food, drink or toilet), reconnecting with a safe adult and changing the environment (e.g. going for a walk).   

It’s also essential for adults to regulate their own nervous system as a child cannot regulate with a dysregulated adult. Some strategies adults can try out to remain calm in the moment include: 

• slowing your breathing to signal safety to the nervous system   

• grounding your body  

• notice five things you can see 

• four things you can touch 

• three things you can hear 

• two things you can smell  

• one you can taste   

• lowering your shoulders, softening your voice and face, and slowing down movements   

• making your speech slower and quieter  

• using simple phrases like “I’m here”, “we’ll figure this out together”.  
  
  

Co-regulation strategies model self-regulation in real time. Studies show that when adults consistently respond with warmth and structure, children gradually strengthen their ability to manage strong emotions independently.  

From co-regulation to self-regulation  

Parents often ask how to teach emotional regulation skills or how to teach children self-regulation techniques. The answer begins with connection and repetition. Children learn through experience. When adults stay steady during big feelings, they are teaching children what calm looks and feels like.  

Helping a child regulate their emotions might also include practising calming strategies during peaceful moments, breaking tasks into small steps, and celebrating small wins when frustration is managed well.  

Self-regulation develops gradually. With patient, responsive support, children begin to mirror what they experience. The calm voice of a caregiver becomes an internal voice: “I am safe. I can handle this.”  

 

To find out more about our Early Intervention Therapy services visit here or call the team on 1300 946 337 or email info@windermere.org.au.  Visit our parenting resource page here